Pearl Harbor...For Idiots!!!
by Josh Hartnett's Girl
Summary: Another joint project with mah friend Lindsay. The revised, shortened, dumb-ified script for Pearl Harbor. For dummies, really. Very funny...I think. PG-13 for language, sexual humor, sexual talk, and sexual understatement...but no explicit situatio


A/N: ME HIGH ON ROOT BEER! UH-OH...JUST READ MAH FIC "HP AND THE NORMAL YEAR" AND YOU'LL KNOW. IT'S UNDER MY sexy_fleur ACCOUNT.   
  
This really should'nt offend anybody...and I'm not at all trying to offend Pearl Harbor. It's just...For Idiots!!! Lol....  
  
I'm skipping several scenes..like the physical examination scene, etc. I just want to focus on certain stuff. For idiots. Lol again...  
  
Disclaimer: Bay....Bruckheimer...Wallace....you know the drill.  
  
***  
Pearl Harbor...For Idiots!  
***  
  
SCENE 1:  
  
In Tennessee. Nostalgic music plays in background.  
  
Little Rafe: Hey, Danny! Let's go sit in a hole of wood and pretend we're fighting the Krauts in the war!  
  
Little Danny: Ok! 'Cuz that is quality entertainment, I think!! Plus there's nothing better to do on this Hollywood-embellished farm!  
  
Little Rafe: No kidding.  
  
The kids pretend to fly around for a bit. Until...uh-oh! It's Mr. Walker! *scary music* *DUN DUN DUNNNN!!!!!*  
  
[I forget his first name] Walker: I thought I told you to quit playing with this kid!  
  
Danny: Sorry.  
  
Mr. Walker: [gets mad]  
  
Rafe: [hits him with a wood beam] Go away German!  
  
Mr. Walker: [to put it shortly] I fought the Germans. [he and Danny walk away] [readers are baffled]  
  
SCENE 2:  
  
Rafe and Danny are all growed up. They are flying around in ittle planes.  
  
Rafe: Go right.  
  
Danny: Go left?  
  
Rafe: Go right.  
  
Danny: Ok.  
  
They do the Outside Loop.  
  
Plane Commander Guy: That was reckless and irresponsible!  
  
Rafe: I know. *starts to cry* I'm sorry.  
  
Plane Commander Guy: It's ok. But I wanna ask ya something.  
  
Rafe: *wipes tears* What is it?  
  
Plane Commander Guy: Here's the plan: go to England, get in a plane, and try to fight the Germans.  
  
Rafe: In other words...self-inflicted suicide?  
  
Plane Commander Guy: You got it!  
  
Rafe: Okie doke.  
  
SCENE 3  
  
In the train. Evelyn and da nurses are sitting around.  
  
Sandra: So, Ev, I hear ya got youself a man!  
  
Evelyn: Yup.  
  
Barbara: Is he good?  
  
Evelyn: Yup.  
  
Betty: Is he hella hot?  
  
Evelyn: Damn yes.  
  
Martha: Cool!  
  
Evelyn: Yeah. *they get off the plane. Ev greets Rafe* Hey there.  
  
Rafe: Hey there. *gives her flowers* Let's go dancing.  
  
Evelyn: Ok.  
  
SCENE 4  
  
They dance.  
  
Evelyn: I don't want to be around people tonight, Rafe.  
  
Rafe: Me neither. Let's go get on a tugboat and illegally row out to a grand cruise ship where I almost fall off.  
  
Evelyn: That sounds like fun! *they do that*  
  
SCENE 5  
  
Outside the hotel.  
  
Rafe: I have to go to the war.  
  
Evelyn: Do you have to?  
  
Rafe: Uh yeah.  
  
Evelyn: Ok then. Just don't get yourself killed.  
  
Rafe: But that's the point of going.  
  
Evelyn: Ok. [enticingly] Let's go inside, baby.  
  
Rafe:   
To himself: YESSSS!!!!!!! GOODY GOODY GOODY!!!!  
To Evelyn: Ok, baby.  
  
They walk in, but walk out.  
  
Rafe: Umm...I changed my mind.  
  
Evelyn: DANGIT! NOW I'M DEFINITELY GONNA DIE A VIRGIN!!!!!  
  
Sandra: I'm gonna have the SAME problem, dearie.  
  
SCENE 6  
  
At the train station.  
  
Rafe: Guess I gotta go to da war, Danny.  
  
Danny: Yep.  
  
Rafe: Bye. *He gets on train. Sitting there, he sees Evelyn looking for him* She loves me!  
  
SCENE 7:  
  
After weeks and weeks and months in Pearl Harbor, Oahu, Hawaii with Danny doing plane crap and Evelyn doing nurse crap, word comes that Rafe is dead.  
  
Danny: Rafe is dead.  
  
Evelyn: Rafe is dead?  
  
Danny: Yup.  
  
Evelyn: Oh. WAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!! *cries on his shoulder*  
  
Danny: Ooh, I like her!  
  
SCENE 8:  
  
Danny: Evelyn...I have a crush on you.  
  
Evelyn: What a coinky-dink! I have a crush on you, too!  
  
Danny: Let's go in a plane, watch the sunset, do a couple barrel rolls, then have sex in the hangars!!!  
  
Evelyn: Okay! *they do that*   
  
Danny: That was fun!  
  
Evelyn: If you say so.  
  
SCENE 9:  
  
Rafe is alive and goes to Pearl Harbor  
  
Rafe: I'm alive.  
  
Evelyn: Oops.  
  
Rafe: Whaddya mean, 'oops?'  
  
Evelyn: Me and Danny had sex.  
  
Rafe: DAMN!!! *storms off in a fury*  
  
Danny: Oops.  
  
Evelyn: Not your fault. *they make out*  
  
SCENE 10  
  
At the bar. Rafe and Danny are in a brawl.  
  
Danny: YOU *[CENSORED]* HOLE!!!!  
  
Rafe: YOU MOTHER *[CENSORED]* !!!!!  
  
Danny: Let's go drive off in a car before the cops come.  
  
Rafe: Ok. *they do that*  
  
SCENE 11  
  
The Japanese guyz are wading around in a ridiculous bathtub of ships.  
  
Yammamoto: And here is where we bomb them from -   
  
Japanese Guy: WHERE'S MAH RUBBER DUCKY?????  
  
Genda: Why in the hell did we hire these guys??????  
  
Yammamoto: No idea, my fellow evil-guy. *takes two Excedrin migraine pills*   
  
Genda: Give me some of those! *takes them all* Oops...me not feel so good....*is stoned*   
  
That is why we were bombed. Genda was stoned. Anyhoo....  
  
SCENE 12:  
  
The Japanese start bombing. Show Rafe and Danny, having their famous almost-slashy moment in the car.  
  
Danny: We're being bombed!  
  
Rafe: Shut up. *falls back asleep* *then awakens* WE ARE?!?!? *they drive off*  
  
SCENE 13:  
  
Back at Pearl. Ships are flooding. Men are dying. It is a true Hollywood scene. Cuz it is.  
  
Dorie Miller: I AM MACHO MAN!!!! *shoots that big ol' gun thingie* YEAHHH!!!!!!!  
  
SCENE 14:  
  
Evelyn: I never knew what to do about Rafe and Danny...and now they're bombing us!!! And even I could die! *to herself* Well...no matter...at least I won't be dying a virgin.  
  
Sandra: That is ALWAYS my biggest fear.  
  
Barbara: Come on! These guyz are dying! *they help the guys, and many die*  
  
SCENE 15  
  
Rafe: *running out there into the bombing ships* Get me in a plane!  
  
Danny: Ok. *they go in planes and shoot 7 planes. Jap planes. Not American planes. I think....*  
  
Rafe: Woo-hoo!!!.  
  
SCENE 16:  
  
Then the bomb is over.  
  
Doolittle: I need you for a Top Secret Mission. You with me?  
  
Rafe: Ok.  
  
Danny: Ditto.  
  
Doolittle: Perfect!!!!  
  
SCENE 17:  
  
Evelyn: Rafe, I'm pregnant!!  
  
Rafe: Omg...wtf...  
  
Evelyn: Sorry.  
  
Rafe: I...I...*gets nostalgic* I hope you and Danny are happy together! *to himself* And I've seen this movie before...he'll die, and I'll get the gurl!!!  
  
SCENE 18:  
  
After the Top Secret Mission. Their planes have been shot down, and Danny lies in the wreckage.  
  
Danny: Not...gonna...make it....  
  
Rafe: But you're gonna be a father.  
  
Danny: Then you do it. *dies*  
  
Rafe: WAAAAHHH!!!!  
  
Gooz: What are you crying about?  
  
Red: He's sad 'cuz Danny is dead, idiot!!  
  
Rafe: NOOO!!! *SOBS* I...DON'T...*SOB*...WANNA...BE....*WIPES TEARS*....A...FATHER!!!!!  
  
Anthony: [even though he's supposed to be dead right now] I feel ya, man. *pats Rafe's shoulder*  
  
SCENE 19:  
  
Evelyn: Wanna go get a farm and raise little Danny in some desolate country field?  
  
Rafe: Do I have a choice?  
  
Evelyn: Nope. This is Hollywood. We do what Michael tells us.  
  
Rafe: Ok.  
  
THE END  
  
I cannot believe I just wrote that...blame the Root Beer!!!  



End file.
